Saturday, October 08, 2005
For the first time in my life i was so certain that i had finally got over him [guifu]. Can't even remb when it all started... but i got to know him ard feb.
All these yrs after he left, traces of memory are still with me. Y can't he just leave together with all the memories. It was yrs since i last met him. It was in the Nov 2003 which we last saw each other. And finally in the yr of NOV 2005 i finally let go of him. It took me nearly 2 yrs. But i am proud of myself, i can finally move on to my next phase of my life.
Since the day he left, he was a real diaster for me. He had been a strong pillar in my life and within just moments he was gone. I couldn't adapt to the change that eventually cause me to realise how mux i love him. I got to know him at the age of 17 and now i'm 20 his presence lingers me for almost 3 yrs. I miss the days with him, i would often stare at the toys he gave me and anything which reminds me of him. I tried many ways to forget him but it was always unsucessful, i hate myself for being so devoted.
It was till the day which i took out a evanascence CD to listen to the song "my immortal" its a "sad sad" song and i would always think of him. Every love song which touches my heart i would just think of him and him and just him. It was so tormenting after listening to the songs. But on that special night after listening to the song the person who came to my mind was not him.... For the first time i was amazed by my own feelings.
I used to browse at his friendster in a discrete manner not wanting him to know about my presence. However after that night i have totally forgo the urge to do that. And guess never will i do it again. Tonight i was browsing through my yahoo mail and stumbled upon the mail he send me last yr in april i click onto it and saw the name of his gf as part of his mail recipents. Surprisingly i felt nothing!! I used to hate him but i couldn't actually figure out the reason for hating him. I thought if i love him i wouldn't hate him. I couldn't understand my feelings towards him it was so complex. It was through later that i found out that the more u love him the more u hate him. But after seeing the mail, neither do i felt jealous over the girl nor hate him anymore. My feelings has gone back to neutral....... I'm really so glad.
Now when i think back of my past memories with him, it is not as sad as i previously tot it was. Instead i cherish the memories, I still miss him but the feeling of being "SAD" is no longer that strong and painful.
YEAH!!!! I"M SO HAPPY ... after typing one whole chunk of stuffs abt him i do admit that i miss him i'm still anxious to on how he is and stuffs. But the feeling of asking him y he left me without a word and hatred had gone completely. Its a pity that we still can't even become friends. But i knew we can never be friends as there is only love between us. I just knew it, the feelings were so strong. And that might be the reason for him to leave me completely. I dun blame him, instead i'm quite impressed about his love for the girl cheryl. This proves to me that he is really very "zuan yi" to completely leave me in order to start a realtionship with her. If not i guess it would still end up like an entangled love triangle. His move was mature but yet heartless. Nevertheless he still the guy that i had LOVED with all my heart.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Phew.. my exams are finally over. It is a really tedious semester for us, it had really stretched me to the limits with all the endless projects and exams. We barely had time for revision. Even though the exams are over, but my grades would not be ideal as I was quite unprepared for the exams. I tried my v best, now jus have to hope there would be some kinda of moderations bah…
There still 1 week before the start of internship and many bad things had crop
up. My grandpa was admitted to the Alxendra Hospital. His condition was critical and is currently in the ICU. It was on the Friday that I visit him, after my Maths paper. I was quite relieved that I could finally take time off to visit him. But soon it wasn’t that pleasant after all, his condition was really quite bad. And it quite a disturbing scene for me. He was lying on the bed, unconscious through the use of some antiseptic. This is because his heart and lungs are failing even the oxygen tank is not of mux help. There are tubes inserted into his nostrils and this had caused quite a lot of discomfort in him that they had to put him to sleep at the moment. His heart is failing and they are installing a temporary machine to help him. His condition is not getting any better.I saw him on the bed, struggling hard even though in his unconscious state, I can feel the discomfort in him the tubes had and medication had caused his face and hands to become swollen. I was standing there helplessly; the chances of him recovering are very slim. He’s already 88, I am not sure if he can pass through this ordeal. It
has been tough for him all these years as he had slog his life taking care of my grandma. My grandma was a diabetic patient not only that at the age of 40+ she became blind. However, the worse had yet to come jus was she was in her 50’s she suffered from a stroke which restricts her from movement from the other side of her body. Her brain began to malfunction, she could not take care of herself, she can’t remember any of her kins, she can’t talk and my grandpa had to even put on diapers for her. This is what they often say a couple will always stand by each other through thick and thin. My grandma In other words she is a person without a soul jus an empty shell. She lies motionlessly on the bed everyday uttering strange words. It had been hard for my grandpa…. Now even my grandpa is in this state I feel so sorry for him when he was lying there on the bed. How I wish he could recover, but I know the chances are very slim. My mum had visited him just today and break another bad news that is my grandpa kidney is also failing. I knew from the moment the chances of survival is jus equals to 0. I refrain myself from visiting him because I hate to see the sight of him it’s makes us feel so helpless. And makes us feel so sad. But I guess even though how mux I hate to see him with his current state, I would still brace myself to go to visit him as I guess his days are numbered. I really wish that he could recover and we could celebrate CNY wif him every year. Without his presence, I guess every CNY would be very cold. Kinda of regretted that I always turn up very late during the CNY, because I always thought it was a boring celebration. But it is jus only once a yr, I should had make the extra effort.
I promised to visit him early the next yr and so on ……. But will I ever get the chance? I really really hope he can live through this and at least enjoy some “ qing fu “ b4 leaving this place. For I know after this incident all of the kins and his sons & daughters will cherish him even more than ever.